Mindful Meshugganah

My new (and first!) nephew, Benjamin Davis was born yesterday (June 28th). 8lbs 10oz of tiny barrel-chested cuteness. As soon as I knew my sister in law was in labor, I was  struck by an immediate feeling of excitement, mixed with another feeling, anxiety. I had no idea when he would be born, if he would be heathy, if my sister in law would be healthy, and then a general feeling of unease and anxious unrest. I even forced myself to attend a yoga class (on a Sunday!) to try and ease some of the nervous energy. All of of energy disappeared the moment I saw my perfect nephew. Holding him in my arms, seeing his little features and sweet baby coos and silly piggy snorts, I fell in love instantly. Flash forward to today, and my little guy was all I could think about, talk about, as I constantly found a way to bring him up in conversation. I must have been a total nightmare to my coworkers. So to my little buddy Bennyboo, welcome to the world. I love you so much already. Xoxo, A

So last night I got all of 2 hours of sleep. It's even surprising that I got those two hours! I am in a weird funk and I can't seem to move on or to shake it. Help?

Oh hello insomnia, how awful of you to join me. It's now Monday, 3am. I have slept all of 0 hours tonight. I knew I might have issues sleeping tonight, as I typically do on Sunday nights. However, I was not expecting to not sleep at all. At what point do you call it a draw and give in to insomnia? In all honesty, i'm pretty sure i'm at that point. Right now, i'm supposed to be in dream land, with my alarm going off in 3 1/2 hours. However, here I am. Maybe I should use this time to do something creative. Perhaps I should work on some things that have been put on the back burner for the last few weeks. Oh, why does this keep happening? Perhaps I wasn't tired. Perhaps the four giant glasses of iced tea actually had an effect on me. Maybe I even got too much sleep last night. All I know, is i'm not supposed to be awake right now, but I am. I'm most nervous about making it through the day. I've already canceled my yoga class, but i'll probably

So, tomorrow is my birthday. The last few months have been pretty hard for me, a big part of the reason I haven't been posting. Unlike all other years, I've set my hopes low for this birthday. This way, if good things happen or good wishes come my way, I'll be able to appreciate the unexpected. If not, here's to 28. Hopefully it'll be a better year than 27.

I started therapy last night. I'm not afraid to admit it. My insomnia reared its ugly head Saturday night after a happy day of graduating with my masters, followed by over indulgence in dark chocolate, Thai food, and plum wine. Upon laying down that night, it became apparent to me around 1 am that my brain did not want to shut down. Around 3 am, I began to panic. Insomnia has been a huge problem for me in the last few years, so much so that I take a pretty strong medication to quiet my brain (I wanted to type "numb my brain" but it seemed too harsh). I moved to the couch, which typically works as a sleep-inducer. Nothing worked. I found myself shaking and crying in the arms of my husband a few hours later, who suggested I take the dog for a walk. I walked the heck out of the dog and came back to my house an hour later a shaky anxious mess. I tried watching TV, but I could not get comfortable. I felt like I had the flu. My brain was rushing and my heart was pounding and I

Insomnia. Boy, what a scary word to type. But even worse than typing it is experiencing it. I know I'm not the only one awake currently, but it absolutely feels that way. It's a very isolating experience that makes you feel scared, alone, hopeless, chest tight and burning, thoughts racing.  Why does this happen? Why is it someone can be in such a good place for so long, only to have one wrong move  turn all the progress and good work around? I was prescribed a sleep aid (benzodiazepine) 5 years ago to help with some work and travel related anxiety. Now five years later, I find myself mentally and physically addicted to this medication. Something that was supposed to help me for a short time has become part of my daily route. I have tried coming off of it numerous times without any luck. Mostly I wanted to be able to fall asleep again naturally. This time around I wanted to come off so I could start trying to start a family. I probably told too many people that this was my g

Today and yesterday I woke up feeling sad. Yet that makes me extremely happy to be able to admit that. How is this so? Emotions, like many things, are very complicated. Sadness in itself is not a positive emotion. Many people who feel sadness will try to fight this feeling. When sadness turns into depression, many doctors will prescribe antidepressants to numb this feeling, As someone who was prescribed antidepressants for many years, I know the struggle of being in a sad situation and not being able to feel anything beyond mild discontentment. The struggle of not being able to cry at a romantic comedy was a tipping point for the discontinuation of these prescription medications.  Of course, many people honestly need this medication to function. I'm not debunking that fact whatsoever. But in my case, the inability to feel extreme lows was not enough to persuade me to continue taking medication that also numbed my extreme highs as well. I know that the sadness I'

So far in my reading of Dan Harris's book, 10% Happier, I have come to the conclusion that he's a bit of a prick. However, I'm starting to kind of like the guy. For starters, many of his thoughts on success and happiness resonate with me. Prior to meditation, Dan sees his happiness as a measurement of how many stories he is able to report on, and defines the price of security as insecurity. Following meditation, he begins to see that his initial thoughts are not aligned with his studies on Buddhism. His mentor, Mark Epstein, debunks his security and insecurity mantra, noting that everything in life is impermanent, and that true happiness comes from within. He also goes on to talk about how many people feel seek to find their happiness based on obtaining something in the future are bound to never actually achieve true happiness.  I find this to be absolutely enlightening. As someone who always ties achievement to happiness (when I get that promotion, or my masters, lose 10 l

In the next few months, I will be making a few attempts to become a more mindful and centered person. As the name of my blog implies, Meshugganah (a crazy person/woman), being in the moment and being calm is not something that comes naturally to me. As a result, I have decided to actually follow through on a New Years resolution to become more mentally present, self aware, and to focus on gratitude.  This blog was one of my ways of achieving this goal. As I mentioned to my dear mother on the phone, the reason therapy hasn't worked for me in the past is that I get so wrapped up in the excitement of being able to voice my thoughts and feelings that I tend to lose sight of my real goal. As well, some may say I just really like to hear myself talk. All jokes aside, I figured by getting my thoughts out in print I would be able to release a lot of the feelings I encounter throughout the day. This is especially helpful before or after a time that can cause more than average anxiety in my

One difficult thing about having anxiety is having to explain it to someone who has never experienced it before. As the emotions and actions you experience are often irrational, it can be hard to describe in a tangible way.  Today, while driving (a huge trigger for anxiety and panic for me), I tried to picture myself without the fears or worries that often plague much of my day. I  imagine tasks and events for someone without anxiety is much like a math problem. Item X (my car) takes me from point A to point B. I get in my car and I drive, then I drive home. For me, my ongoings are more like a complex math problem. I get in item X (my car), of which scenario 1 could happen (my tires explode) or scenario 2 (my car catches on fire). I pull over and scenario 3 could happen (someone knocks on my window and has a gun to my head), or scenario 4 (a truck blows a red light and slams into me, obviously causing something to break, or taking my life). Now, I know these situations are all extreme

In honor of national sibling day, I wanted to take a moment to highlight one of the most important people in my life, my brother. He's the person who comes to mind when I think about my childhood, as I was lucky enough to grow up with a built in best friend in my house. He's the reason I can hang with the guys, and helped me to build a strong and confident foundation.  Siblings are interesting creatures. They drive us crazy when we are growing up, but their personalities and influence make such an incredible impression on shaping and developing our own sense of self. Whether we have strong or absent relationships with our siblings, those relationships are some that impress upon us for life. I feel very fortunate to have been given tools from our parents to help us build this strong relationship. We were always treated fairly, neither of us were made to feel better or less than the other. We were always encouraged to play together, as well as being reminded that someday we would

Meshugganah is defined in the Yiddish language as "crazy." I started this blog because I feel that sometimes it's easier to give in to crazy and forget to be aware of the moment. For example, laying in a soft comfortable bed being plagued by anxiety. How does that make any sense? All day long you've been waiting to drop like a dead weight into that pile of cotton and blankets. All of sudden, you're worrying about a project at work, or where your second-born child (of which you currently have none) will attend preschool.  Being able to take a step back and admire the crazy that is inside the mind of this 27 year old going on 67 allows me to feel that I am taking control of these crazy thoughts. I started this journey to be more mindful, to allow myself to be present and fully enjoy life, instead of feeling like i'm just a passenger on a crazy train. Hopefully I will be able to feel like more of a person and less of a patient through the use of writing, a t