Insomnia...

Insomnia. Boy, what a scary word to type. But even worse than typing it is experiencing it. I know I'm not the only one awake currently, but it absolutely feels that way. It's a very isolating experience that makes you feel scared, alone, hopeless, chest tight and burning, thoughts racing. Why does this happen? Why is it someone can be in such a good place for so long, only to have one wrong move  turn all the progress and good work around?

I was prescribed a sleep aid (benzodiazepine) 5 years ago to help with some work and travel related anxiety. Now five years later, I find myself mentally and physically addicted to this medication. Something that was supposed to help me for a short time has become part of my daily route. I have tried coming off of it numerous times without any luck. Mostly I wanted to be able to fall asleep again naturally. This time around I wanted to come off so I could start trying to start a family. I probably told too many people that this was my goal and reason for doing this, so I feel guilty for not following through. I got the closest to actually kicking the meds this time, I was down to a tiny crumb and was able to sleep the first night without it. The next night, after a lot of excitement around graduation, a heavy meal, and almost no activity, I spent the entire night awake. I didn't panic at first, in fact I was calm until about 3 am. That's when my heart rate started picking up, and I became a wreck. My poor husband, I kept coming into our room (I was sleeping on the couch) and crying to him, trying to curl up in his arms and then leaving after a few minutes when that didn't work. I felt creepy crawly under my skin, beyond exhausted, but I was too far gone to sleep. At my husband's suggestion, I took the dog for a walk, ended up going for an hour. I felt a little better being outside, being able to move around and get sunshine. I still felt so incredibly sick and tired. I decided to go to the gym and exercised on the elliptical for an hour. I took half a pill, 1/4 mg and slept like a baby. Today, I was drowsy but felt a lot better. I decided to look for a therapist who specializes in sleep disorders because I'm not doing so well on this by myself. In the meantime, I had a meltdown tonight, shaky and fast heartbeat, so I took a full pill (.5mg). I'm thinking of taking another pill but I'm waiting to see how I feel. Tomorrow is going to be tough. I just want to feel normal, go back to feeling like myself again, normal happy thoughts, and not caring about sleep. 

Anyways, I'm hoping the meds kick in soon. I'm tired and I just want to get some sleep. 

Wish me luck. I clearly need some help with this situation.