Mindful Meshugganah

Today and yesterday I woke up feeling sad. Yet that makes me extremely happy to be able to admit that. How is this so? Emotions, like many things, are very complicated. Sadness in itself is not a positive emotion. Many people who feel sadness will try to fight this feeling. When sadness turns into depression, many doctors will prescribe antidepressants to numb this feeling, As someone who was prescribed antidepressants for many years, I know the struggle of being in a sad situation and not being able to feel anything beyond mild discontentment. The struggle of not being able to cry at a romantic comedy was a tipping point for the discontinuation of these prescription medications.  Of course, many people honestly need this medication to function. I'm not debunking that fact whatsoever. But in my case, the inability to feel extreme lows was not enough to persuade me to continue taking medication that also numbed my extreme highs as well. I know that the sadness I'...

So far in my reading of Dan Harris's book, 10% Happier, I have come to the conclusion that he's a bit of a prick. However, I'm starting to kind of like the guy. For starters, many of his thoughts on success and happiness resonate with me. Prior to meditation, Dan sees his happiness as a measurement of how many stories he is able to report on, and defines the price of security as insecurity. Following meditation, he begins to see that his initial thoughts are not aligned with his studies on Buddhism. His mentor, Mark Epstein, debunks his security and insecurity mantra, noting that everything in life is impermanent, and that true happiness comes from within. He also goes on to talk about how many people feel seek to find their happiness based on obtaining something in the future are bound to never actually achieve true happiness.  I find this to be absolutely enlightening. As someone who always ties achievement to happiness (when I get that promotion, or my masters, lose 10 l...

In the next few months, I will be making a few attempts to become a more mindful and centered person. As the name of my blog implies, Meshugganah (a crazy person/woman), being in the moment and being calm is not something that comes naturally to me. As a result, I have decided to actually follow through on a New Years resolution to become more mentally present, self aware, and to focus on gratitude.  This blog was one of my ways of achieving this goal. As I mentioned to my dear mother on the phone, the reason therapy hasn't worked for me in the past is that I get so wrapped up in the excitement of being able to voice my thoughts and feelings that I tend to lose sight of my real goal. As well, some may say I just really like to hear myself talk. All jokes aside, I figured by getting my thoughts out in print I would be able to release a lot of the feelings I encounter throughout the day. This is especially helpful before or after a time that can cause more than average anxiety in my ...

One difficult thing about having anxiety is having to explain it to someone who has never experienced it before. As the emotions and actions you experience are often irrational, it can be hard to describe in a tangible way.  Today, while driving (a huge trigger for anxiety and panic for me), I tried to picture myself without the fears or worries that often plague much of my day. I  imagine tasks and events for someone without anxiety is much like a math problem. Item X (my car) takes me from point A to point B. I get in my car and I drive, then I drive home. For me, my ongoings are more like a complex math problem. I get in item X (my car), of which scenario 1 could happen (my tires explode) or scenario 2 (my car catches on fire). I pull over and scenario 3 could happen (someone knocks on my window and has a gun to my head), or scenario 4 (a truck blows a red light and slams into me, obviously causing something to break, or taking my life). Now, I know these situations are all...

In honor of national sibling day, I wanted to take a moment to highlight one of the most important people in my life, my brother. He's the person who comes to mind when I think about my childhood, as I was lucky enough to grow up with a built in best friend in my house. He's the reason I can hang with the guys, and helped me to build a strong and confident foundation.  Siblings are interesting creatures. They drive us crazy when we are growing up, but their personalities and influence make such an incredible impression on shaping and developing our own sense of self. Whether we have strong or absent relationships with our siblings, those relationships are some that impress upon us for life. I feel very fortunate to have been given tools from our parents to help us build this strong relationship. We were always treated fairly, neither of us were made to feel better or less than the other. We were always encouraged to play together, as well as being reminded that someday we would...

Meshugganah is defined in the Yiddish language as "crazy." I started this blog because I feel that sometimes it's easier to give in to crazy and forget to be aware of the moment. For example, laying in a soft comfortable bed being plagued by anxiety. How does that make any sense? All day long you've been waiting to drop like a dead weight into that pile of cotton and blankets. All of sudden, you're worrying about a project at work, or where your second-born child (of which you currently have none) will attend preschool.  Being able to take a step back and admire the crazy that is inside the mind of this 27 year old going on 67 allows me to feel that I am taking control of these crazy thoughts. I started this journey to be more mindful, to allow myself to be present and fully enjoy life, instead of feeling like i'm just a passenger on a crazy train. Hopefully I will be able to feel like more of a person and less of a patient through the use of writing, a t...