Mindful Meshugganah

I started therapy last night. I'm not afraid to admit it. My insomnia reared its ugly head Saturday night after a happy day of graduating with my masters, followed by over indulgence in dark chocolate, Thai food, and plum wine. Upon laying down that night, it became apparent to me around 1 am that my brain did not want to shut down. Around 3 am, I began to panic. Insomnia has been a huge problem for me in the last few years, so much so that I take a pretty strong medication to quiet my brain (I wanted to type "numb my brain" but it seemed too harsh). I moved to the couch, which typically works as a sleep-inducer. Nothing worked. I found myself shaking and crying in the arms of my husband a few hours later, who suggested I take the dog for a walk. I walked the heck out of the dog and came back to my house an hour later a shaky anxious mess. I tried watching TV, but I could not get comfortable. I felt like I had the flu. My brain was rushing and my heart was pounding and I...

Insomnia. Boy, what a scary word to type. But even worse than typing it is experiencing it. I know I'm not the only one awake currently, but it absolutely feels that way. It's a very isolating experience that makes you feel scared, alone, hopeless, chest tight and burning, thoughts racing.  Why does this happen? Why is it someone can be in such a good place for so long, only to have one wrong move  turn all the progress and good work around? I was prescribed a sleep aid (benzodiazepine) 5 years ago to help with some work and travel related anxiety. Now five years later, I find myself mentally and physically addicted to this medication. Something that was supposed to help me for a short time has become part of my daily route. I have tried coming off of it numerous times without any luck. Mostly I wanted to be able to fall asleep again naturally. This time around I wanted to come off so I could start trying to start a family. I probably told too many people that this was my ...